One of the most challenging parts of committing to a wellness journey can be losing friendships.
I've learned a few things throughout this process that I hope will be helpful for anyone else going through something similar!
Firstly, I want to acknowledge that having a support system makes a huge difference. As humans, we're naturally social creatures, so feeling alone can be very difficult. Even having just one person in your corner to talk with who can provide emotional support and an understanding for what you're going through is invaluable.
So, why is it a common thing to lose friendships or relationships when you start to take your health and wellness seriously? If you've never experienced this, it may be confusing to read that this is actually a thing, but sadly, it is. I've been through it, and so have many clients I've worked with.
The simplest way I can put it is that our society is not designed around health. When you start making commitments towards your health, this becomes obvious and impossible to unsee. For example, when I decided to start healing my hormones in my early 20's, I became overwhelmed by the amount of toxic chemicals that were "normal" and "common" ingredients in my personal care products. I was on the hunt for a new dry shampoo, and read about a couple ingredients that are known endocrine disruptors (aka harmful to your hormones). I started keeping track of chemical names to avoid, and when I opened my bathroom cupboard to start reading labels, I was shocked to see that almost every product I was using was something I should avoid if I cared about my health.
I came across a few tools that made the process of identifying save vs. harmful products easier: the app Think Dirty and the website EWG.org/skindeep (I'm not affiliated with these, just a grateful fan!) You just scan the barcode of your product (or search the item name) and it analyzes the ingredients for you, while explaining why certain ingredients are harmful.
For me, this was a HUGE part of my wellness journey: conscious consumerism. I started replacing my everyday personal care products, especially things like toothpaste, deodorant, shampoos, and anything with fragrance. I took a closer look at home cleaning products as well: dish soaps, laundry detergents, disinfecting sprays, etc. Don't even get me started on scented candles and air fresheners!
I started smelling like essential oils, because now even my facial cleanser was all natural, and at first I was a bit embarrassed. "I smell like a hippy!" I told my boyfriend. And quick shoutout to him: Jonathan has been with me for almost 10 years now, throughout the worst parts of my health journey! I'm extremely grateful to have had such a supportive partner through some dark and challenging times. Even when I felt I had no friends, I did have a boyfriend, so I feel very blessed.
I share all of this about clean/toxic products because it's little things like this that start to make you feel... different. And while it's clear making choices like these are important for your health, not everybody understands and THIS is where it gets challenging. "You've changed," friends and family members may comment as they notice you making different choices.
Unfortunately... not everyone welcomes change, for a few reasons. One being that they may be unwilling to look at the daily choices they're making that could be harming their own health. So by you making healthy choices, even if you're not suggesting that they do they same, unconsciously they may feel guilty about the unhealthy choices they're making. Their unconscious response is then to get triggered or make comments about how you're picky or high-maintenance for example.
Another big area this showed up for me was around food and alcohol. I realized that my body wasn't responding well to gluten and I had ALOT of symptoms of inflammation throughout my body, so I began to experiment with elimination diets. This changed things when it came to socializing, as so many social events are organized around food. I started declining drinks and desserts, for example, which made people ask questions. It was hard to find people who could relate to what I was going through. Most people didn't truly understand why my health was my top priority. I felt like an alien at times, which wasn't easy.
When I was 22 years old, I often went out to bars or clubs on the weekend with friends, consuming lots of wine, cocktails, and shots. I've been kicked out of bars for being "too drunk" and it was a common occurrence for me to vomit everywhere. It was around this time when my health was quickly declining, so I started assessing my lifestyle and making necessary changes. It was pretty clear that alcohol wasn't serving me, and going out late wasn't supporting my goal to improve my sleep.
As you can probably imagine, this changed things for me socially. I started staying in on Friday and Saturday nights, and for a while I was really insecure about this. I felt like a loser. My "friends" still wanted to party, and I didn't, and no one I knew (asides my boyfriend) was committed to their health like we were. For me, this resulted in a "growing apart" from people I used to hang out with as we no longer shared priorities or core values.
While this isn't easy by any means, I will ALWAYS advocate for putting your wellness needs first. No one else is going to do this for you! Because no one else can- only you have the ability to truly take care of yourself. Your wellbeing is absolutely crucial, and while your social life and relationships are definitely an important part of your wellbeing, it isn't worth forgoing your fundamental needs.
The right people who are willing to support you will stick around through the challenging parts of your journey, and those who aren't fully aligned, won't. And it's all okay. It's all perfect. We're not expecting anyone to change here. There's no need to blame or judge people. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a season, not forever. In fact, nothing really lasts forever... but that's another topic ;)
Things changed for me when I started to be OKAY with not having friends. As mentioned earlier, for a while it was just me and Jon. I shifted from complaining about not having friends to ACCEPTING this fact, which allowed me to stop looking externally to get my needs met. I had to go through this in order to realize that I was already whole and complete. I didn't need to be loved or accepted or validated by others - instead, I had to love, accept and validate myself. It was in this space of aloneness that I began to build self-love and confidence, and could explore deeper layers of myself without worrying what other people would think of me. I got to know myself better and what my values were. I'm not saying that everyone needs a period of aloneness for self-discovery, but for me I can see how helpful it truly was, and looking back now, I'm grateful for that time.
And eventually, one by one, I started to connect with people who DID share similar values around health. It's such an amazing feeling to be understood for making "weird healthy choices"! I started to find my tribe. The new friends I was making understood me, because they had also gone on a similar journey of dealing with some kind of health problem which prompted them to make choices that were "different" from the societal norm. I also noticed that the quality of these friendships was different. They felt deeper. Like I would be supported no matter what. It made me realize that I would rather have a small circle of close friends than a large network of "surface-level" friends. Quality over quantity. And these people are worth waiting for.
The main takeaway I'd like to leave you with today is to be your own number 1 fan. Sounds cheesy, I know. But trust me. Especially if you feel alone, like no one gets you. Magic happens when you stop trying to be liked by others, and you start to truly like yourself. Spend quality time with yourself. Give yourself compliments. Do nice things for yourself. The more you respect yourself, the more you will attract other people who respect you, too.
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